I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
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