I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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