my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
