that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
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