Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Randomize
