I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize
