I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
Randomize
