he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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