Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Randomize
