on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
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