if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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