The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
Randomize
