How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
