i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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