i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
Randomize
