i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
Randomize
