8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
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