There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
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