I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
Randomize
