Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Randomize
