Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Randomize
