just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
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