my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
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