Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
sarcasm needs its own font
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
Randomize
