i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
