Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
Is it a bad thing that the only time i wear nice clothes to class, is when i get too fucked up the night before and wear the same clothes i went out in?
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
