Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Randomize
