You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
I feel like death gave me a hand job
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
Randomize
