OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Randomize
