Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
Randomize
