Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
Randomize
