Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
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