i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
