I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Randomize
