your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
Randomize
