I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize
