So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
Randomize
