why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
I met the friendliest cop last night
I have no idea what her name is. I only remember putting my dick between her ass cheeks.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize
