What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
Randomize
