God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
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