I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
We succumbed to passion, and then he had to go meet his girlfriend. End of story.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
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