She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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