The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
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