i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
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