I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
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