i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
did he really ask u insert a warm banna in ur anal?
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Randomize
