Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
