Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
Randomize
