I spent a large portion of the night trying unsuccessfully to keep hayley (who was wearing a dress and no underwear) from doing handstands, but yea it was fun. the boys had fun
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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