I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
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