no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
His hands were made for my vagina.
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Randomize
