I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
I JUST SEARCHED GINGER COCK ON TUMBLR AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY WELL HUNG? I'M CRYING. IS THIS HOW GINGERS KEEP REPRODUCING?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
Randomize
