Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
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